It is my belief that we are trained from youth to hate ourselves.

We are immediately immersed as children in an endless cycle of social constructs that are designed to make us second guess our worth and capability. Our elders do their best with the knowledge that they have acquired to model for us the way we should act, the way we should think, the way that we should speak to ourselves and others - and we never question it. We trust that we are being guided on course and are rarely given the opportunity to explore or expand on our own terms.

Generation after generation of preconceived notions and behavior have been drilled into our heads before we could even walk coupled with our entire society constantly bellowing at us to be and do whatever is considered normal, even to this day. The only thing that we desire in our young age is to be loved and accepted and as such, we behave accordingly.

Anything unique about us is considered shameful because we just want to fit in. We compare ourselves to others whom we admire and we convince ourselves that we’ll never be good enough to be like them. We believe ourselves too stupid, or too sinful, or too ugly to be worthy of our deepest desires.

All of the narratives we have consumed throughout our lives become embedded so deep within us that they permeate our psyche. The voice in our own heads tells us that we don’t deserve more than what we have, that we’ll never succeed in the pursuit of our dreams, that there’s something (or a million things) wrong with us. The way we talk, the way we look, and the way we act is all under constant internal scrutiny out of fear of being rejected.

We start engaging in habits and making decisions that don’t align with us because it’s all we’ve ever known and because it’s comfortable. We shove anything about ourselves deemed as undesirable in the shadows and step into this box of what we are “supposed” to be because that’s what we have been taught.

Consequently, the shadows start expanding and all our flaws start to emerge in every facet of our lives, making them impossible to ignore. Everything that has been passed down to us from the minute that we are born suddenly doesn’t make sense anymore. We go through the motions and try to convince ourselves that this is as good as it can be, that nothing we do or change will make any difference in the long run. Or worse, that we can’t change anything at all and it'd be pointless regardless.

We want to ignore accountability, but are quick to condemn others for their mistakes. We avoid confrontation, but inherently seek chaos through our actions because on the inside we are screaming. We block and ignore the emotions and people and places that cause us discomfort, but subconsciously crave intimacy and validation. We tell our sides of the story from a place of hurt, as though there’s an excuse buried deep in our words that will make our behavior more redeemable to ourselves and anyone else who will listen.

What if it’s all actually a lie?

Did these thought processes, these decisions, this life in general, get thrust upon us so constantly and haphazardly that we ended up molding ourselves into something that we don’t even resonate with - something that doesn’t even feel good - in order to survive? Did we get so caught up in being complacent that we were willing to settle for self hatred because the unknown was too daunting?

By now, it isn’t just the world that is lying to us, it’s also ourselves.

How did we become comfortable with filling our own heads with this amount of negativity that we lost ourselves along the way? So much so that we firmly believe we aren’t the beautiful, competent, unique individuals that we are. So much so that we’re petrified that showing our true selves will result in us being discarded as worthless.

How do we differentiate the lie from the truth when it’s become your own voice speaking to you?

We have to decide we want more. We have to decide that anything that is not in alignment with love and support and real honesty is not for us.

It is up to us, as individuals, to decide that the only voice that matters is our own. That we are no longer accepting bitterness. We are no longer accepting fear. We are no longer accepting comfort. When those anxious voices arise, we have to teach ourselves how to understand where they are coming from and whether or not they are, in fact, our reality. We have to remind them exactly who the fuck we are - that we are in control and we determine the trajectory of our own lives.

That’s something only you can decide for yourself.

38 views0 comments

Recent Posts

See All

the void

We’re all trying to fill a void - one that was left in us long ago by the actions of our parents or a friend or an authority figure or a romantic partner. And if you’re really lucky, all of the above.

"darkness is divine"

I have to accept that I’m toxic, too. It’s not always all their fault. There are ways I could have been better, should’ve been better. But, I wasn’t. I’ve been hurt and sometimes feel lost. I get angr


tw//abuse I fell in love when I was 22. It felt like a whirlwind. We met through the same group of friends and it all just seemed to click; I fell for him almost instantly like a ton of bricks. He was