I have to accept that I’m toxic, too.
It’s not always all their fault.
There are ways I could have been better, should’ve been better.
But, I wasn’t.
I’ve been hurt and sometimes feel lost. I get angry and reactive. There were times in the past that I was searching for something, anything, everything to fill a void, by any means necessary. Even if that meant stepping all over others to get it.
That’s not an excuse. I have reparations to make. Admitting it is always hard at first.
I have to stop playing the victim. I have to take responsibility for my actions. I have to decide not only that I want to be better, but also that I want to receive better. Take inventory of my life. How the hell did I get here? Why am I so angry all the time? Why am I so tired? Why are my relationships failing? Why can’t I feel better? What in the actual fuck is going on.
I believe that we each have to go through our own set of obstacles and that they are systematically designed and timed throughout our lives in order to help evolve us into the beautiful individuals we are today.
But these experiences can also make us hard and cold; and they scare us so we withdraw. We become selfish and careless and stuck in our heads. Convinced that we can never get better, that we don’t deserve better. Carrying the heavy weight of doubt, guilt and shame everywhere we go but at the same time not willing to face any of it. Then projecting it all on everyone we cross paths with, and the cycle continues except with more burdens to carry - some not even our own.
Just running in circles. It’s exhausting.
That wasn't working for me anymore.
I choose to embrace the darkness -
I choose to be brutally honest with myself about what I need to work on and why I am the way that I am. I’ve learned to accept all this from a place of understanding and compassion instead of combating it with remorse and disgrace. Forgive myself instead of beating myself up for every little thing. Acknowledge the lesson, work through my emotions, and try to gain a deeper innerstanding of where they're arising from.
Remind myself that people fuck up all the time, none of us are perfect. We all have a dark side - parts of ourselves we're ashamed of that we wish we could bury away, things from our past that we wish we could wipe clear from memory. I'm no more of a saint than you are and I will never pretend to be.
I just decided that I should give myself some grace, accept that I’m human and focus on being better from this point forward.
That’s all any of us really can do.
We receive enough judgment from others, the least we can do is start being kind to ourselves.
Everything that happened for me had to in order for me to become this version of myself. Everything I survive is for a reason. Every mistake I make has a lesson behind it. I’m grateful.